...You Might Be a Redneck!

A few weeks ago our family enjoyed a blissful week at the beach (yes, of course we missed the goats terribly...goats? what goats?). Lovely house, great company, perfect waves...the only downside was the seven-hour drive to get there. To pass the time I brought along a couple of Jeff Foxworthy comedy CDs, his absolutely hilarious "You Might Be a Redneck" standup routines. (The fact that we can almost recognize some of our own relatives in some of his descriptions makes these even funnier!)  Anyway, as usual the conversation in our van eventually turned to goats and we came up with our own ideas - "You Might Be a Goatherd." (Please note that we refer not to those organized goat-farmers with regular barns and fields and steady profit, but rather to idiotic families like us who blunder into goats rather accidentally...and also apologies to Mr. Foxworthy, who is truly much funnier!) So here goes - and please understand this was about 4 am...

If all of your shoelaces are chewed into unrecognizeable fluff and most of your shirts have stains of dried goat "cud," you might be a goatherd.

If you frequesntly suffer from "auditory goat hallucunations" (hearing goat noises in places where there are obviously no goats), you might be a goatherd.

If you've ever sat outside in a plastic trash can shelter during a lightning storm with a hysterical goat, you might be a goatherd.

If you've ever spent an afternoon digging up 60 goat-toxic iris bulbs and replanting actual weeds in your yard instead, you just might be a goatherd.

If someone asks "Do you have kids?" and you immediately think of the four-legged ones in your garage instead of your own children, you might be a goatherd.

If your family can discuss goat excrement in detail over Sunday dinner and no one stops eating, you might be a goatherd.

If you've ever stored goat testicles in a ziploc bag in your freezer (even if just until the kids got home from school), you really might be a goatherd.

If you've ever had a painful, swollen arm because you reached into a clump of brush for your goat boys' favorite weeds and didn't see the large wasp nest until your fingers brushed against it, you might be a goatherd.

If you've ever been unable to read the newspaper because the goat on your lap has eaten an entire article, you also might be a goatherd.

and finally...If you've ever used a butter knife to dig out nannyberries stuck between the boards of your deck, you definitely might be a goatherd!