Invisible Goats?

I have never been much of a trendsetter, up on the latest fashions or even aware of most celebrity gossip, but here is one thing I do know. In current popular culture, goats are the trendiest animal on the planet! From the crazy video game Goat Simulator, to screaming or fainting goats on YouTube, to the nutty goats featured in Super Bowl commercials, goats are everywhere.  (See, Megan, I may live in flannel-lined jeans and turtlenecks, but at least my style in animals is spot-on!) Coincidentally, 2015 is actually the Year of the Goat.

Almost makes you wish you had one of your own, right? If only they weren't such labor-intensive, parasite-ridden, mischief-making poop factories, everyone might have a goat (or two!) However...

I think I may have a solution. Recently I learned of this incredible opportunity for single women. Don't have a boyfriend? Don't want one, but wish your friends would stop trying to set you up on blind dates? Want the status of being "in a relationship" without all the hassles of commitment? For a low monthly fee, you can sign up for "Invisible Boyfriend," a virtual beau who will send you texts, photos and even flowers! What better way to fool those meddlesome relatives and still keep your evenings free?!

Now, how can we adapt this concept so that every family can experience the joys of goat-ownership without the endless frustrations and constant clean-up? That's where "Invisible Goat" is the answer! Say you've always wanted a dark and handsome fellow like the photo above - he's yours! All you need are a few photographs, some wisps of hay to stick in your hair, and a packet of goat "pellets" to sprinkle around your yard - you'll be the envy of all your friends!

Of course, if you want the real thing instead of the virtual goat experience, that can be arranged as well. (This month only, two-for-one deal!) Live the dream...

Return to the Abyss...

Last night I woke up suddenly, trembling...my dreams haunted by the inescapable horror I can no longer deny. Elliot's skin problems are back.

Last month I noticed that Emerson seemed quite itchy and flaky, and both goats again had yellow crusts around the tail area (what we refer to as "butt fungus"). These are the exact symptoms which heralded the start of the horrendous skin issues which plagued our goats for over a year before massive doses of topical parasecticide finally eradicated the unidentified bugs last spring. "We're baaaackkk..."

Determined not to again descend into that Dante-esque circle of hell, I dosed them promptly. Same medication, same twice-the-label dose. Emerson cleared up quickly, but Ellie has worsened, crusty and itchy to the point of twisting his head around to gnaw sores in his back and flank. The wounds are raw and ugly. Today I purchased collagen wound gel, injectable  antibiotics, and three stretchy goat-size tank tops from a local thrift store. (Hopefully my daughters won't notice that this striped beauty is also missing from their closet!)

What to do, beyond frequent brushing and spraying his sores with blukote? (My stained fingers give testament here.) This morning was sunny and above freezing, so I tied him to the deck railing and bathed him in lime sulfur solution. Garbed in rubber gloves and one of my husband's old sweatshirts, I went to work with a spray bottle and a scrub-brush. He hated it, but the upside is that now he's not only stained yellow, but also so malodorous that he won't lick or bite himself no matter how itchy he is. Unfortunately, while I was kneeling down to scrub his belly, he gave his dripping fur a vigorous shake, so now I also reek of rotten eggs. Since the putrid sulfur odor is about as difficult to remove as the nasty parasites which plague Ellie, I may have to cancel my weekend plans...

My husband wants me to repeat the topical parasecticide, but I am hesitant. Here's why. Last time, instead of wedging the syringe into the "small herd" size bottle to measure their dosage, I poured it into a one-ounce plastic cup (from a bottle of cough syrup) and drew it up from there. After treating both goats, I came inside and noticed that the remaining medication had eaten a gaping hole through the plastic cup! Many of Ellie's worst sores are along his topline (the straight line from neck to tail) where I drizzled the medication. Surely a chemical which corrodes plastic must be a powerful skin irritant, so I am reluctant to risk another dose, especially as the three doses I gave last month have not improved his overall condition at all. Are these new and different parasites, or the same ones but now resistant?

I can't think about it any more today. Maybe I'll take another hot shower, then raid my family's closets for something clean to wear. (Hey, I don't want my own clothing to imbibe this awful smell...)

Cold Weather Woes

A photo from the goat archives reminiscent of warmer weather...The seasons may change, but the routines stay the same. Elliot owns the top of the house; Emerson claims the ground. Whether it's a bowl of apple chunks, a pile of weeds, or a sunny napping spot, these are their positions. This winter I  even started serving their individual bedtime bowls of warm water at these spots, to prevent Ellie from frantically pushing Emerson away from one shared bowl (Oh no! You're slurping up all the vinegar!) This has worked well...until now.

Winter is so dreadful. Single-digit temps and sub-zero wind chills keep me shivering even in the house - but what about my goats? Should I insulate their shed? Invest in a heat lamp? Knit them little jackets? My sister sent me a link to an article that answered my questions. According to research, goats can tolerate any degree of cold, as long as they have shelter from drafts and are dry. What a relief! It's been so frigid that the vinegar sometimes freezes in the bottle before I can squirt it into the bowls, but I don't need to worry. Draft-free, dry. I can do that!

Late last night I suited up in my puffy snowsuit and waddled out to put the goats to bed. Hot water, vinegar, both plastic bowls, check. Pocket full of snacks, check. Anticipating our nightly routine, the goats rushed to their stations - Ellie up top, Emerson beside the house. Per protocol, I always pour the water into the bowls, then give them each a handful of random treats before they start to drink. This time the treat was "orange chips," crispy orange peels I dry on trays in a sunny window. A friend had brought me some tangerine peels (extra sweet, she mentioned) and apparently Elliot liked the new flavor, because he suddenly lunged at me for more, knocking his entire gallon-size bowl of water on top of his brother below.

Stunned at this sudden drenching, Emerson fled into the yard as his sodden fur froze him into a caprine popsicle.  Now what?? Well past my bedtime, dark and frigid cold - how can I possibly thaw and dry a frantic goat before he goes into shock?

It can be done. Lots of vigorous rubbing and one of my husband's big fleecy sweatshirts eventually did the trick. Meanwhile, Elliot jumped down and finished off his brother's water bowl. Oh, and I should probably buy my husband another sweatshirt...

Poop Soup...and Nirvana

This morning, when I opened the door to the goat shed to get them up for breakfast, I was confronted with the evidence that Elliot (the taller of the two) had likely spent the night standing up, his back end positioned over their heated water bowl. No serious harm; they wouldn't drink from that bowl if it held the last liquid on the planet, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat bean soup again.

Although I occasionally forget my current age, there are many things I do know, such as the fact that goats prefer their water at least forty degrees warmer than is possible with an electric water bowl. ("Where's the steam, human? If it didn't scald your fingers, we don't drink it!") However, it is thanks to my teenage daughter that I now realize the enormity of my knowledge gap.

Seeing Megan in an unfamiliar T-shirt the other day, I read the word under an unusual graphic. "What's that - Nirvana?" Her response was immediate and strong.

"Oh, Mom - did you really just ask me that?!! Nirvana was only one of the most influential rock bands of the 90s! You were alive during that period!"

Chastised, I reminded her that during the 90s I was kind of busy raising toddlers...twins (including one who got into trouble all the time!) and during that decade I knew all of the words to both the Barney and Sesame Street theme songs. (Ha!) However, she was not impressed.

"Aaaauuuugh! They started grunge!"

Grunge? And here I thought that was a reference to what I looked like after cleaning out the goat shed. Apparently, I still have a lot to learn.

All I Want for Christmas...

Sometimes, you get everything you want for Christmas. This year the holiday arrived dry and sunny, unseasonably warm and without even a hint of snow in the forecast. After lunch, my husband suggested, "Let's all take the goats for a walk." For Em and Ellie, it was a Christmas miracle - a long, meandering stroll through fields and woods with plenty of succulent weeds for snacking and time with all their favorite people.

Elliot was so happy he danced with Megan.

"Dances With Goats," anyone? Maybe Kevin Costner is available...they have to be more fun than wolves.

And Happy New Year, from our field to yours.