Acronyms for Goats

Today my daughters took their high school final exam in English - that glorious study of not only poetry and literature but also such fascinations as personification, oxymorons, alliteration, symbolism, paradox and iambic pentameter. You may wonder the value of knowing that "zeugma" refers to when one word modifies multiple words with different meanings, as in "He was deep in thought and debt." (Right, deep is the zeugma in this quote from poet Alexander Pope.) Let me expound...

Even goats can benefit from a basic knowledge of literary terms. In our family, an acronym commonly used is "L.O.P." (not to be confused with "L.P.") - generally delivered in an exasperated shout and meaning "loss of privileges." For example, if Em and Ellie are taken on a walk to a non-fenced field and suddenly bolt toward the road, I might scream "Goats!! L.O.P!!" as I chase them back to their pen. Or if Emerson has chewed all the rubber edges from his comfy sleeping mat, I sternly chastise him with "L.O.P!" as I yank the mat away and leave him on the hard concrete. Loss of privileges can occur when someone knocks over the entire treat bucket because he is too impatient to wait his turn, or when two naughty goats dash into the garage if the door was left open, or when a mean rascal head-butts his brother to the point of drawing blood in order to get all the good weeds.

We are more like goats than we may dare admit, as humans also experience L.O.P. For misbehavior such as speeding or inappropriate texting, you can lose your driver's license; non-payment of bills results in the loss of phone service or electricity. Your library card is dependent on prompt return of books and fee-free banking requires a minimum balance.

So why can't my goats behave? Poor Elliot (rarely the culprit) is so confused. Each time I yell at his skunky, malicious brother, "L.O.P.!!!" - sweet Elliot immediately stops and empties his bladder. We finally figured it out. Affectionate as he is, Ellie is just a bit daft, and I believe what he hears instead of "L.O.P." is "Ellie, go pee!" (Go ahead, say it out loud.)

What a good goat I have!