Rub-a-Dub Goat?

Ever feel bored with the daily routine? Wishing for some excitement in your life? Toss out those brochures for bungee jumping, para-sailing, and cave diving. Instead, for an unforgettable experience, consider giving a goat a bath in lime sulfur dip.

While we wait for skin biopsy results, I am also watching the weather forecast for the next warm day. The lime sulfur bath, you see, is a weekly treatment...and here's how you do it.

First, gather your supplies. You will need disposable clothing, so raid your spouse's closet for old work shirts and ripped jeans. Make them fit somehow. Old shoes, too, and a large trash bag for everything when you're done. Locate a few throwaway sheets and blankets, a bucket, a stiff scrub brush, rubber gloves, and protective goggles.

Dilute your lime sulfur (a thick, noxious-smelling yellow goo) in a gallon of warm water. Then, wearing your designated clothing and protective gear, secure the goat. If you are fortunate enough to have a goat already sedated for a skin biopsy, your job is much simpler. Simply lather his unconscious body head to tail in the sticky mixture, making sure to work it into every crease and crevice until he is entirely yellow. Do not rinse it off. Be sure to get out of his way before he wakes up, as the mixture will dry slowly. You will be tempted to comfort him as he stumbles around disoriented, but restrain yourself. He is making a vain attempt to get away from the horrendous odor which is actually himself, so there is nothing you can do. Save yourself. If you pet him with bare hands, you will have to cancel all your engagements for the next few days and call in sick to work. Yes, the smell is that bad, and yes, it does stain your skin neon yellow. Trust me on this.

If you have the misfortune of then bathing a second, non-sedated goat, your task is more difficult. (Sound familiar, Emerson?) You will require one person to restrain the goat while you attempt to scrub him with the gooey mixture. At first he may seem cooperative, thinking he is simply getting a massage, but once he realizes what you are doing he will kick and buck madly.Work quickly and be careful not to let him knock over the bucket. (It will stain your driveway, and you will have to always park your car over the area so your husband doesn't notice.) Hold your breath if the smell gets too bad. most of all, remember this - when you finish and finally release the agitated goat, hurl your body out of the way before the goat can vigorously shake himself off, like a wet dog emerging from a muddy pond. (Right, I made this mistake once...)

And if the stuff gets on your skin, don't bother taking a shower. All you will accomplish is staining your tub yellow.

Anyone interested in helping with the next bath?