Duct Tape, Goats and College Scholarships? (Or, Why to Take Your Goat to the Prom)

Having goats is somewhat like a treasure hunt. I am always seeking that perfect bale of hay they won't reject, the ideal weeds to supplement their diet, water of just the right temperature to entice them to drink without burning their mouths, or the best antibiotic spray to treat the sores they keep biting in their skin. At yard sales I scour other people's castoffs for hoof trimmers, dog collars, water bowls, plastic feeding tubs, portable fencing. Anything to keep them healthy, content and contained - that's what I seek.

Lately I have found myself on another type of hunt - no less challenging and perhaps equally frustrating. With two daughters graduating from high school next year, we are on a serious quest for the ultimate gem - college scholarship money. How on earth do people actually afford higher education? At our local library I found a mammoth volume which claims to list every scholarship available in the entire country - over 3000 entries. Many, as I expected, are for class valedictorians, children of military personnel, and survivors of devastating diseases, but some are more obscure. Surely there must be something for us!!  Here's a sampling of what I found...

If you are of Scottish heritage, Swiss descent, or have a parent skilled in Asian cuisine, there is a scholarship for you. Vegetarians, skateboarders, trampoline artists, members of the Iowa Pork Producers or the National Wild Turkey Federation - apply here. Interested in studying Operational Meteorology (whatever that is) or becoming a Nebraskan land surveyor, are you willing to relocate to Texas and register an automobile there, or can you submit a working design for a helicopter? Are you a female over 5 feet 10 inches tall? (Yeah, not even in heels - we tried!) Are you a Hawaiian student organist or extremely knowledgeable about fire sprinklers? A customer of Rent-a-Center? An Oregon salmon fisherman with a passion for physics? A middle child from Vermont who enjoys baseball but is not skilled enough to compete on a team? (I am not making this up!!) I even found a grant for a student whose high school grades are in the "C" range - this one is renewable for four years as long as your grades do not exceed a 3.0 on the 4.0 scale!

Armed with a pen and a stack of notecards (still mostly blank), I have waded through about half the book. I am trying to be optimistic - it must be in there somewhere. Pen poised, eyes squinting at the tiny print, I persist on my quest...maybe it will be on the next page...

Generous funding available for a student who adopted a pair of malcontent goats but has since deferred most of their care to her mother; goats must be too mangy to show yet too personable to eat. Renewable for four years as long as goats exhibit vexing skin issues and constant whining.

Really, I'm not too worried. If the goat money doesn't work out, I have a fallback plan - a $5000 scholarship awarded to a student who submits photographic evidence that she (and her date) attended their high school prom dressed entirely in duct tape. Unfortunately I found this entry a week too late for this spring's prom (where both my girls looked lovely!), but there's always next year. I'll even let them choose the color...I wonder if the award would be greater if her date was a duct-tape-dressed goat?