How to Take Your Goat for a Walk...

If your fenced yard does not contain enough of the "coarse roughage" (wild weeds) which is crucial to the health of your goat's rumen (complicated 4-stomach digestive system), you have two options: either you can constantly go out and harvest weeds to bring to your goat, or you can take the goat to the weeds. After several months of hauling wagons full of weeds into our yard, we decided to give Option 2 a try. Here is a step-by-step procedure, in case you want to attempt it.

First, go to yard sales and buy every dog collar and leash you can find. Bargain a little. Tell sellers the collar is for your newborn baby goat and you may get a price break. Don't worry about size - most will not fit anyway but the most unlikely-looking one will be perfect. What works for one goat will not work for another. Avoid cat collars - they are too flimsy and most goats will simply eat them in one bite (the collar, hopefully not the cat!) Metal is always better than fabric. Items previously worn by pit bulls are ideal.

After you have tried all the collars on your goat, choose the one that has not been chewed through, connect all the leashes together, grab a "shaker" of animal crackers and off you go. One of two things will happen - either the goat will crouch down and dig in its hooves (yes, all 8 of them!), refusing to move, or you will find yourself suddenly flying through the air as your goat takes off at breakneck speed. Leave extra time to unwrap your goat from fence posts, trees, tire swings and other objects. Never try this alone - but if you must, take a cell phone along in case the goat wraps the leash around you so many times that you begin to suffocate and need to call 9-1-1. The ideal ratio is one person per goat; if you attempt to "walk" 2 goats at a time because no one else is home, you will never do it again. Trust me on this.

Once you have reached a weedy spot, connect your goat to a heavy object like a cinder block or a metal stake in the ground. If you have 2 goats, use algebraic formulas to calculate the proper distance to tether them : not too close or they will tangle themselves in a huge knot, not too far apart or they will become hysterical at being separated. Ideally, consult a calculus student to help with this. Then, show them the weeds. You may need to mimic eating some weeds to demonstrate why they are there. If they still stare at you blankly, pick weeds and hand-feed them. Watch carefully : a goat will not be able to chew its own collar, however, it is very easy to chew through another goat's collar.

And sometimes the goat will have so much fun in the weeds, he will refuse to go back home and you will just have to carry him!