What? That's not what strikes terror in your heart?
The worst hazards are the ones you never knew existed. For example, I saw a report recently that some 500 people each year are killed by mattresses (tied with flimsy twine) flying off the roofs of high-speed cars. Mattresses! How about those highway signs warning us of "Falling Rocks" - what can you even do when a boulder comes careening down the mountain toward your windshield? (Maybe keep a mattress on your roof to cushion the impact??) Yes, venomous caterpillars inhabit the state where I live, and you won't catch me anywhere near a manhole cover downtown (something to do with pressurized sewer gases...)
Like I said, a scary world, and I didn't even mention attack goats ... There is a video circulating on the web of a ferocious goat terrorizing a town - one of the funniest clips I've ever seen, until it happened to me. Here's the problem. Emerson, the smaller (but more cunning) of my two goats, is quite a jealous fellow. He becomes absolutely incensed when I give any attention, affection or (especially) edible treats to his brother. In the past he would simply head-butt sweet Elliot out of the way to gain the prime spot by my side. Recently, however, he adopted a new tactic.
Angry when he spied me feeding Ellie a coveted evergreen "prickle" from the trees which line our driveway, Emerson snorted, backed up, lowered his head and charged us with all the force a ninety-pound raging bull-goat can muster. In a rare moment of intelligence, Ellie lunged out of the way, leaving me to take the brunt of Emerson's wrath as his one-scurred forehead struck my knees and sent me tumbling over the embankment into a pile of briers below. Almost more humiliating than being bested by a goat was having this episode witnessed by a passing school bus full of mocking children...my misfortune no doubt repeatedly recounted over milk and cookies that afternoon.
Here's the worst part. He did it - he liked it - and now I never know when he'll attack me. Water not warm enough - CHARGE! Didn't get the most flavorful orange peels - BAM! Too many clouds in the sky - SMASH! I should mention that he was neutered as a kid and bottle-fed for over a year, my sweet cuddle-baby. But he's fast, he's strong, his head is rock-hard and I'm truly afraid to turn my back. This morning the hay was stale and the little monster chased me down the deck steps until I took refuge in the garage. I can't wait for yard sale season so I can buy some used goalie gear.
If you ever stop over and find me cowering behind the shrubbery, please resist the urge to use your cell phone camera. Just get that vicious goat away from me!!
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