The "Eyes" Have It: Adventures in FAMACHA Testing

Want to learn some science, alienate your friends and risk bodily injury? Read on...

Those who know us will recall that Elliot is plagued by a perplexing skin condition which worsens each winter. Marked by intense itching, it causes him to constantly bite and scratch himself until he sports numerous scabby bald patches. Though resistant to repeated attempts at diagnosis and treatment, his symptoms suggest a parasitic infestation and therefore I once again decided to search for the identity of the elusive culprits.

The "gold-standard" test for parasites is the fecal flotation test. To avoid the hour-long drive to the nearest lab, Emily and I once tried to do this at home. Following detailed instructions, we collected the sample, crushed the droppings and mixed them with purchased solutions into a "poop slurry" paste, planning to stir, sluice, spread and microscopically examine the rank mixture. Unfortunately, our test was ruined by the inadvertent addition of human vomit to the jar (hey, you try this before you judge me!) so we were unable to get an accurate worm count.

Happily, there is another, less repugnant method to estimate parasite load in goats. This test, termed FAMACHA, involves examining the inner lower eyelid of a goat to determine color of the membrane - from dark red (healthy) through varied shades of pink (borderline) to pale or white (anemic, death's door). This method is used successfully in large herds worldwide and one expert even suggested performing a FAMACHA evaluation every time you interact with your goat. Made sense to me, so I decided to give it a try. Now here's the fun part - rather than describing the test or scientifically graphing my results, I offer my readers an opportunity for a first-hand FAMACHA experience. You can be a goatherd for a day!!

To simulate the experience of performing a FAMACHA test, here's what I'd like you to do.

First, secretly select a friend or family member to be your "goat." If possible, choose a person with aggressive tendencies and pointy shoes. Now, without any prior explanation, grab your friend's face, pull down his lower eyelid with your thumb, and peer into the eye at close range.

How did that work out for everyone? So let's try again. Your friend is likely reacting in a negative manner, so make some soft cooing sounds or stroke his cheek before grabbing at his eyelid again. If you absolutely must offer an explanation, speak in a foreign language (to simulate the comprehension level of an actual goat). Alternatively, try shoving an animal cracker in your friend's mouth to distract him as you go for the eye yet a third time. You may also pin him against the wall with your body weight.

Anyone have results to share? If your friend has kicked you, head-butted you or gored you with a sharp object, you're on the right track. Don't give up! Consider printing out a color-comparison chart to hold against the peeled-down eyelid, though you might want to laminate it before use because any paper that close to a goat's mouth is automatic food...and don't forget to avoid those hooves!

Then again, maybe fecal testing isn't such a bad idea after all...

(Disclaimer: The FAMACHA is a valid and reliable method. Any implied criticisms here are purely related to my own performance deficiencies or the misbehavior of my goats!)

Scary Times

If you watch the news at all, you know that we live in a dangerous world - so frightening that some days I hardly want to leave the house. There are so many things to worry about - venomous caterpillars, exploding manhole covers, missile mattresses...

What? That's not what strikes terror in your heart?

The worst hazards are the ones you never knew existed. For example, I saw a report recently that some 500 people each year are killed by mattresses (tied with flimsy twine) flying off the roofs of high-speed cars. Mattresses! How about those highway signs warning us of "Falling Rocks" - what can you even do when a boulder comes careening down the mountain toward your windshield? (Maybe keep a mattress on your roof to cushion the impact??) Yes, venomous caterpillars inhabit the state where I live, and you won't catch me anywhere near a manhole cover downtown (something to do with pressurized sewer gases...)

Like I said, a scary world, and I didn't even mention attack goats ... There is a video circulating on the web of a ferocious goat terrorizing a town - one of the funniest clips I've ever seen, until it happened to me. Here's the problem. Emerson, the smaller (but more cunning) of my two goats, is quite a jealous fellow. He becomes absolutely incensed when I give any attention, affection or (especially) edible treats to his brother. In the past he would simply head-butt sweet Elliot out of the way to gain the prime spot by my side. Recently, however, he adopted a new tactic.

Angry when he spied me feeding Ellie a coveted evergreen "prickle" from the trees which line our driveway, Emerson snorted, backed up, lowered his head and charged us with all the force a ninety-pound raging bull-goat can muster. In a rare moment of intelligence, Ellie lunged out of the way, leaving me to take the brunt of Emerson's wrath as his one-scurred forehead struck my knees and sent me tumbling over the embankment into a pile of briers below. Almost more humiliating than being bested by a goat was having this episode witnessed by a passing school bus full of mocking children...my misfortune no doubt  repeatedly recounted over milk and cookies that afternoon.

Here's the worst part. He did it - he liked it - and now I never know when he'll attack me. Water not warm enough - CHARGE! Didn't get the most flavorful orange peels - BAM! Too many clouds in the sky - SMASH! I should mention that he was neutered as a kid and bottle-fed for over a year, my sweet cuddle-baby. But he's fast, he's strong, his head is rock-hard and I'm truly afraid to turn my back. This morning the hay was stale and the little monster chased me down the deck steps until I took refuge in the garage. I can't wait for yard sale season so I can buy some used goalie gear.

If you ever stop over and find me cowering behind the shrubbery, please resist the urge to use your cell phone camera. Just get that vicious goat away from me!!