Ten Random Things Everyone Should Know About Goats

Nothing is more adorable and personable than a baby goat. (Years later, when you are sprawled on the driveway after being kicked in the head while scrubbing parasitic fungus off your goat's rump, you will remember why you ever got goats in the first place...)

If you bottle-feed a goat until he is nearly two years old, you will create a bond so intense that this goat will suffer everlasting separation anxiety whenever you leave him. He will even stand outside your open bedroom window on hot summer nights, crying for you whenever he hears you roll over.

Goats produce four times their body weight in poop every day. This is a fact. Also, excreted goat pellets are of the exact shape and size to wedge themselves tightly between the boards of your deck and the grooves of your sneakers...

Contrary to the belief of one high school student we know, goats are a distinct species. (Even living in the city is no excuse for asking, "What is a goat anyway? Is that just a male sheep?" ...though to be fair, I am hopelessly lost on any metropolitan subway system.)

If you are going to spend a small fortune in money and time fencing a field for your goats to graze, do not fence the one area on your property where there is absolutely no shade, not any at all. Not even if your husband insists on that spot because it will not disrupt his mowing pattern. Not unless you like baked goat.

Goats are frightened of many things - the dark, raindrops, small cats and soccer balls. Friends ask why we have soccer balls in every corner of the garden, unaware that this is a perfect goat barrier, especially when you find cheap sports equipment at yard sales. The mere threat of even a gentle toss keeps both my goats wary of the tomato plants.

Goats have no upper front teeth - just a hard gum area. Don't be deceived - it still hurts when they bite, and if you are foolish enough to contact the razor-sharp back teeth, you'll risk losing a finger.

Your goat may look stupid, but that is just to disguise the reality that he is smarter and trickier than you. Never turn your back.

Even despite the ruckus, the mess, the parasites, the financial drain, the upheaval of the life you once knew and your gradual descent into insanity, it is possible to love a goat. There is absolutely no logical reason for this, but it happens.

Oh, and nine is the new ten. (Just in case you were counting.)