Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Bacon Conspiracy

Previously only served with eggs and wrapped around scallops, bacon seems to be everywhere now. Chocolate-covered bacon strips, bacon lollipops, bacon chocolate-chip cookies... Is this a subtle effort to subvert the American diet even more? My local grocery store markets an oversize donut topped with cream icing and a strip of crispy bacon - like breakfast and a heart attack all in one! Recently a friend showed me an innovative alarm clock app for your smartphone, featuring the option to wake up to the sound of sizzling bacon.

Wait. It gets better. Also available (though only in limited quantities) is a "smell-emitting device" to plug into your phone, so that not only do you hear the fat frying as you wake, you also inhale the delicious aroma. I have to wonder how effective that is, though. After twenty or thirty mornings of leaping out of bed and dashing to the kitchen only to find out it's just another cereal morning, I might just pull my pillow over my head and go back to sleep.

Two thoughts here. First, whoever downloads this app is a lunatic. Really. Second, if there is a market for this, I can do better. As an incentive to make a quick exit from a cozy bed, how about the sound of clattering hooves and throaty braying, mimicking a herd of feral goats about to leap onto your covers? Try hitting the snooze button on that! Oh, and as for the smell-emission device, I'm sure Emerson and Ellie could provide some input...

Yes, goats are loud, and sometimes malodorous. However, there are worse things, as evidenced by what happened to a friend last week. After a close encounter with a skunk, her two rambunctious dogs ran through the entire house, spreading the offensive smell everywhere. Fortunately, my friend (a teaching assistant) had plenty of time to fumigate and scrub the house, since she and both her children were promptly sent home from school because of their, well, odor. 

Maybe the most effective alarm clock app should not mimic a person's favorite food, but rather the animal whose scent they most dread. Sort of like a wildlife "Room 101" (anyone read Orwell lately?).

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