Under Arrest

Anyone with animals can identify with the propensity of pet-owners to speak to their cats and dogs in that rather annoying, sing-song baby talk voice, as in "Here, kittty-witty, Mommy has your foody-woody ready..."  Generally I disdain this tendency for my felines, as they are probably more intelligent than most humans, but the goats are a different story. Clearly their brain development has not kept pace with their physical growth (as evidenced by their current nicknames, Dumbhead and Stupid-O), so we naturally speak to them in a language more likely to be understood. Em and Ellie have "drinkies" and "treat-ies" and sleep in their "sheddy." Their most favorite time of day is "walkie," when I take them down in the lower field to eat weeds and run free for an hour or so.

Last Saturday we enjoyed a lazy stroll by the woods, listening to the sounds of spring - birds chirping, a rustling breeze, police sirens...Recently local law enforcement officials have been setting up speed traps about a half-mile up the road, and all day long we hear the sirens as unsuspecting speeders are pulled over just around the corner. By now accustomed to the intermittent wailing sirens, the goats don't even look up any more.

After a while I began thinking about a snack myself, so I patted them each on the rump and started toward the house. As usual, the goats took off in a frantic dash up the hill, knowing that I would follow and give them each an animal cracker and a bucket of steaming hot water on the deck, where they could bask in the sunshine until the next activity. The goats reached the driveway about the same time I crested the hill, and as they skidded to a stop, panic overwhelmed me as I saw what had startled them - not one, but three police cars in our driveway, with several armed officers surrounding another vehicle, and I could just imagine what the goats were thinking at this unexpected sight...which was clearly more than a routine traffic stop -

Look at all those new peoples, Emerson! Should we smell them and see if they have any treats? - Good idea, brother! I want to jump on those shiny cars with the pretty flashing lights - Do you think a carnival has come to us?

Desperate at the thought of my goats interrupting a gun battle, damaging police property or impeding an arrest, I ran up the hill as fast as I could while shrieking, "Decky, decky! Go to the decky!" And - for this I will always love them - they did. With one wistful glance at the cluster of interesting people and sparkling lights, they turned and charged up the concrete steps to the deck and waited for me there.

That day I gave them each two animal crackers. Then I locked myself in the basement until all the excitement was over. And by the way, a reminder to friends and family, the speed limit here is 45 mph. Really.

The Bacon Conspiracy

Previously only served with eggs and wrapped around scallops, bacon seems to be everywhere now. Chocolate-covered bacon strips, bacon lollipops, bacon chocolate-chip cookies... Is this a subtle effort to subvert the American diet even more? My local grocery store markets an oversize donut topped with cream icing and a strip of crispy bacon - like breakfast and a heart attack all in one! Recently a friend showed me an innovative alarm clock app for your smartphone, featuring the option to wake up to the sound of sizzling bacon.

Wait. It gets better. Also available (though only in limited quantities) is a "smell-emitting device" to plug into your phone, so that not only do you hear the fat frying as you wake, you also inhale the delicious aroma. I have to wonder how effective that is, though. After twenty or thirty mornings of leaping out of bed and dashing to the kitchen only to find out it's just another cereal morning, I might just pull my pillow over my head and go back to sleep.

Two thoughts here. First, whoever downloads this app is a lunatic. Really. Second, if there is a market for this, I can do better. As an incentive to make a quick exit from a cozy bed, how about the sound of clattering hooves and throaty braying, mimicking a herd of feral goats about to leap onto your covers? Try hitting the snooze button on that! Oh, and as for the smell-emission device, I'm sure Emerson and Ellie could provide some input...

Yes, goats are loud, and sometimes malodorous. However, there are worse things, as evidenced by what happened to a friend last week. After a close encounter with a skunk, her two rambunctious dogs ran through the entire house, spreading the offensive smell everywhere. Fortunately, my friend (a teaching assistant) had plenty of time to fumigate and scrub the house, since she and both her children were promptly sent home from school because of their, well, odor. 

Maybe the most effective alarm clock app should not mimic a person's favorite food, but rather the animal whose scent they most dread. Sort of like a wildlife "Room 101" (anyone read Orwell lately?).

All Fenced In

What better way to spend the last official weekend of the fifth-most miserable winter ever (according to the National Weather Service "misery index")? Gather the whole family and install nearly four hundred feet of goat fencing, of course! This project began with a limited-time-offer coupon from our favorite farm supply store and ended with a fenced area my husband tells me is about a third the size of a football field. The fencing is advertised as sturdy and easy to install, although our task was complicated by two curious "helpers" who were really very little help at all.

Any activity in which they participate with their "peoples" is great fun for Emerson and Elliot, who always want to be wherever we are. I am dreading the first time they are locked in their new field alone, abandoned by the humans they love. Wait! Come back! (shrieking and wailing) But we are so far from the house! We hate these weeds! We refuse to eat them! (hurling of goat bodies against the fence) Just let us eat hay on the deck, so close to you, pleeeeease! We promise we will never poop all over the deck again! (Ok, I made that one up.)

Something tells me I will be spending a lot of time inside this fence...

Gone for Groceries

With no milk and only one slice of bread in the house, yesterday warranted a run to the grocery store after I completed my morning goat chores - dealing with empty hay tubs, frozen water buckets and massive overnight elimination. It occurred to me that my days consist of one constant cycle - I haul tubs of hay outside for the goats, they scatter half of it on the ground and transform the rest into little brown pellets, then I return with a broom to sweep it all up. Begin again...

It could be worse, however. Even my craziest day is a restful retreat compared to my younger sister's schedule. Not only does she have twice as many goats as I do, she also boasts one extra child, one additional cat, and five more dogs than live here. And that doesn't even take into account the horses and chickens and her full-time job...Recently she told me about a phone call she got at work - it was her neighbor calling to mention that my sister's three horses had broken through their fence and were cantering up the road toward the local supermarket. Having already been cited by township officers regarding escaped livestock in that particular store (the piglet in the laundry basket in the back seat of a squad car is a story for another day), my sister rushed from work to lure her wayward horses home. Fortunately, animal crackers work the same magic in the equine world as they do for caprines, and an hour later my sister was back at work, her boss none the wiser.

Today my "to-do" list contains seventeen items. Some may get done (after I finish Elliot's skin treatment); many will just move onto tomorrow's list. It doesn't matter. For this I am thankful - at least I have never had to send the goats out for groceries!